I'm tired. I hate living out of my car. I am sick of fast food. I don't like eating dinner at 9:45pm. I hate having to schedule a shower. I miss naps. I haven't relaxed in.....a long while. I am rarely doing only one thing at a time.
Why do I do this? Why am I so crazily busy? Because I have so much love and passion for my ultimate goal: youth ministry. There are so many moments when it is all worth it. When 8 high school kids beg me to plan a lock-in at church on Halloween. When kids that didn't talk to each other 1 year ago today, are texting each other at school and hanging out at each others' houses. Getting hugs from middle schoolers. A high school boy can't leave church without me giving him a high-5. Kids begging their parents to let them come to church. The loving words from the Senior Pastor that he is proud of me. Parents telling me their appreciation. Their laughter. My name being screamed across the room because kids from camp that I haven't seen for 3 months are excited to see me. Kids memorizing lines for worship. Their awesome praise songs. Hugs. Excitement. Passion. Friendship. Service. Love. That is why I do what I do.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Time, is on my side
I knew when I took all of this on that I would be busy. I knew that my time would have to be well spent and that I would have to make sacrifices. Sacrifices being lounging around watching movies, after-work naps (accidental and intentional) and apparently eating meals in a relaxed manor. What I didn't realize was the toll it would take on me. I like to be busy and know what I am going to do when, but yikes! After a month and a half of classes, youth groups, work, organizing youth groups, planning events, reading, writing papers, homework, etc. I am exhausted. I love almost every minute of it, but I need a nap!
I realized this on Saturday afternoon. I was at my sister's house babysitting my niece and decorating some cakes for a birthday party. I had a million things to do on that Saturday including going to a wedding in St. Louis(that I ended up not going to because of everything), a paper to write, 3 books to catch up on, Sunday School to plan, Y-Life back-up plan, running, grocery shopping, but instead I helped my sister. I know she appreciated it immensely, but after I watched the kids, cleaned the kitchen, made icing, decorated part of one cake, went to buy lunch for the kids and brother-in-law and groceries for more icing, finished the cakes, got the kids ready for the birthday party and sent everyone on their way, it was 4:30pm. I thought of the million things that I still had to do for myself and I lost it. I haven't cried uncontrollably like that in a long time. Nobody did anything or said anything to upset me, nothing monumental happened, I was just tired and overwhelmed. I prayed for the strength to finish the tasks at hand. I prayed for the strength to get through the busy weekend. I just prayed.
Sometimes we just need to let go of the things we can't control and send our burdens up to God. It reminded me of something I did at camp that summer. We wrote down all of our burdens and worries on a notecard and put it in the campfire up to God. Let me tell you--my card was full to the brim, on both sides--and I felt a sense of relief afterwards. That simple little act of looking at all of the stresses in life and then realizing that we can only do our best. That is what matters. I watched a video in my Intro to Ministry class last night and it completely spoke to me in the most necessary and appropriate way possible. The speaker said that we should try and turn our struggles into opportunities. Opportunities to grow and to learn from. Opportunities to share with others. Opportunities to keep with us forever.
I realized this on Saturday afternoon. I was at my sister's house babysitting my niece and decorating some cakes for a birthday party. I had a million things to do on that Saturday including going to a wedding in St. Louis(that I ended up not going to because of everything), a paper to write, 3 books to catch up on, Sunday School to plan, Y-Life back-up plan, running, grocery shopping, but instead I helped my sister. I know she appreciated it immensely, but after I watched the kids, cleaned the kitchen, made icing, decorated part of one cake, went to buy lunch for the kids and brother-in-law and groceries for more icing, finished the cakes, got the kids ready for the birthday party and sent everyone on their way, it was 4:30pm. I thought of the million things that I still had to do for myself and I lost it. I haven't cried uncontrollably like that in a long time. Nobody did anything or said anything to upset me, nothing monumental happened, I was just tired and overwhelmed. I prayed for the strength to finish the tasks at hand. I prayed for the strength to get through the busy weekend. I just prayed.
Sometimes we just need to let go of the things we can't control and send our burdens up to God. It reminded me of something I did at camp that summer. We wrote down all of our burdens and worries on a notecard and put it in the campfire up to God. Let me tell you--my card was full to the brim, on both sides--and I felt a sense of relief afterwards. That simple little act of looking at all of the stresses in life and then realizing that we can only do our best. That is what matters. I watched a video in my Intro to Ministry class last night and it completely spoke to me in the most necessary and appropriate way possible. The speaker said that we should try and turn our struggles into opportunities. Opportunities to grow and to learn from. Opportunities to share with others. Opportunities to keep with us forever.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The Labyrinth
I counseled at Chi Rho 2 this past summer and at the end we were asked our 'high' or the week and our 'low' of the week. My low was actually kind of funny--we have air conditioning in the cabins (yeah!) and the campers are not allowed to touch it for obvious reasons. One night it rained so it was a little cooler, plus the air conditioning made it pretty cold in the cabins. Maybe I should say it was FREEZING! I only brought sheets and a light blanket knowing it was the beginning of August. I even pulled my towel on me for extra warmth! We told the campers the next morning that someone had been messing with the thermostat and that's why it was so cold....that afternoon we figured out that it wasn't the campers...it was one of the counselors turning it the wrong way. Oops.
The high of my week was during our small group time on the second to the last day. We were talking about prayer and how they get answered, if they get answered, etc. I shared a very personal story and that opened it up for others to share stories. It was the best small group time that we had with this group of 6-7th graders. I asked if they wanted to visit the Labyrinth at camp for some prayer time. I was shocked that they all wanted to go, so I explained how it worked and tried to emphasize that it was a time of prayer and reflection. Basically--be quiet. I did not have high expectations of the group because of their age and all the counselors did all week was get them quiet. As we approached the Labyrinth, I told them it was time to quiet down, gave quick instructions and then had the first camper start. It was silent. It was silent the whole time. Every. Single. One. I was so impressed! Even the kid that always had to be the center of attention/jokester. I even walked the labyrinth after all of the kids went and they were quiet for me too. When I was done and walked out, they all said how awesome it was and how much they liked it. That is why I am in seminary. That is why I love working with the kids. For those moments that make me smile.
The high of my week was during our small group time on the second to the last day. We were talking about prayer and how they get answered, if they get answered, etc. I shared a very personal story and that opened it up for others to share stories. It was the best small group time that we had with this group of 6-7th graders. I asked if they wanted to visit the Labyrinth at camp for some prayer time. I was shocked that they all wanted to go, so I explained how it worked and tried to emphasize that it was a time of prayer and reflection. Basically--be quiet. I did not have high expectations of the group because of their age and all the counselors did all week was get them quiet. As we approached the Labyrinth, I told them it was time to quiet down, gave quick instructions and then had the first camper start. It was silent. It was silent the whole time. Every. Single. One. I was so impressed! Even the kid that always had to be the center of attention/jokester. I even walked the labyrinth after all of the kids went and they were quiet for me too. When I was done and walked out, they all said how awesome it was and how much they liked it. That is why I am in seminary. That is why I love working with the kids. For those moments that make me smile.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
7 years
Today would have been my nephew, Trenton's 7th birthday. Unfortunately, he was taken from this earth too early and is playing at Jesus' house. He will forever be the adorable 3 1/2 year old with a cute smile and a hushed voice. He will forever be the ticklish, red-headed monkey that loved Batman, Scooby Doo and Ninja Turtles. I love you T-Dog!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Signs
I don't really like to call it a "calling". Nobody called me on the phone and said "Go to seminary, it will all work out". I don't expect life changing events to happen like that either, I just prefer 'signs'. I have received what I believe are several signs for various reasons and this is no different.
I am not, nor have I ever been very good at making decisions. I need to know all of the facts, I need everyone’s approval, and I need to know that it will be the right decision down the road. I think it’s because I am afraid of disappointing people. Last summer I was a counselor at Chi Rho 1 and Primary 2 at Tall Oaks for the first time. I had an absolutely amazing time—I made new friends, learned a lot, was inspired to get more involved with the youth at church and it was even suggested that I go to seminary.
This past summer I counseled at 3 camps and even directed one. I had a ton of fun at all of them! I played with the little kids at Day Camp, I was ‘in charge’ at Primary Camp, I felt motivated by Suzi’s message on the last day of Chi Rho 2 and I have never laughed and been so inspired as I was at 8ers camp. I also feel like I received ‘signs’ that this is what I am supposed to be doing. Some of you were there for these signs and some of you were a part of them, so I thought I would share.
All of the camps were awesome, but the community that we made at 8ers was amazing. I have never laughed so much in one week. I have never been touched/inspired by so many people in one week. (Don’t take that out of context). One of my greatest moments of 8ers was our second to last small group. After a great discussion about the keynote, the last question that we asked of them was “When have you felt closest to God?” After a few seconds, Zach answered that he felt closest when his grandmother died and he spent some time with his grandfather that week. Madison said when her parents were getting divorced and she didn’t want to talk to either one of her parents so she turned to God. Jack said when his family pet died it brought the family together. I had several stories I could have shared, but with tears in my eyes, I turned to Robert (greatest co-counselor!) and smiled in awe. I couldn’t believe that these kids, many of whom we didn’t know 6 days earlier, were sharing deep and emotional stories with us. Robert and I said that that moment right then was when we felt closest to God.
That night at our last worship on Friday night, we were invited to take a purple or a red stole. Basically, the purple was to signify a Christian lifestyle to share with others, yet maybe in a different way and the red stole was to signify wanting to take a significant leadership role in the church and beyond. Suzanne and Kelli already joked with me that I was not allowed to hand out the purple stolesJ I was one of the last people to go up there, but I graciously and tearfully accepted a red stole. That night, after an unfortunate Jell-O incident, I went back to the cabin to get ready for bed; I took the stole off and put it with my stuff. The next day we left camp, but I was directing Primary camp the following day, so I didn’t have much time to do anything other than laundry and re-pack. I went back to work on Thursday, 6 days after receiving the red stole. I couldn’t tell you where it, or where anything else was at that point. Half of my stuff was still in the car, the other half was scattered around my apartment. I had a horrible day at work. I had a lot of work to catch up on; I couldn’t wear shorts and a t-shirt, I missed the counselors and kids and basically didn’t want to be there. When it was time for lunch, I looked in my purse to get my wallet. What do you think I found? The red stole. I broke down in tears (good thing my boss had already gone to lunch) and knew right then what I needed to do. The next day during lunch I called Saint Paul’s School of Theology and talked to an admissions counselor about my concerns and to see if it would be possible to enroll this fall. That was the first time I smiled in 2 days of being back at work.
So I did it. I applied and just received notice today that I was accepted to Saint Paul’s School of Theology. I could not have done this without any of you and I wanted to send a huge THANK YOU. Thank you for the talks in the cabin when I was supposed to be at the pool, the nudge to send in the application, the hug when receiving the red stole, the thoughts while in prayer, the inspiration, time at the Labyrinth, the hugs, the pictures, the outrageous game of Apples to Apples, the quotes that will make me laugh for a long time, the messages, the conversations about pictures, wanting to keep in touch, and most of all the great stories and memories that I have from camp.
I am not, nor have I ever been very good at making decisions. I need to know all of the facts, I need everyone’s approval, and I need to know that it will be the right decision down the road. I think it’s because I am afraid of disappointing people. Last summer I was a counselor at Chi Rho 1 and Primary 2 at Tall Oaks for the first time. I had an absolutely amazing time—I made new friends, learned a lot, was inspired to get more involved with the youth at church and it was even suggested that I go to seminary.
This past summer I counseled at 3 camps and even directed one. I had a ton of fun at all of them! I played with the little kids at Day Camp, I was ‘in charge’ at Primary Camp, I felt motivated by Suzi’s message on the last day of Chi Rho 2 and I have never laughed and been so inspired as I was at 8ers camp. I also feel like I received ‘signs’ that this is what I am supposed to be doing. Some of you were there for these signs and some of you were a part of them, so I thought I would share.
All of the camps were awesome, but the community that we made at 8ers was amazing. I have never laughed so much in one week. I have never been touched/inspired by so many people in one week. (Don’t take that out of context). One of my greatest moments of 8ers was our second to last small group. After a great discussion about the keynote, the last question that we asked of them was “When have you felt closest to God?” After a few seconds, Zach answered that he felt closest when his grandmother died and he spent some time with his grandfather that week. Madison said when her parents were getting divorced and she didn’t want to talk to either one of her parents so she turned to God. Jack said when his family pet died it brought the family together. I had several stories I could have shared, but with tears in my eyes, I turned to Robert (greatest co-counselor!) and smiled in awe. I couldn’t believe that these kids, many of whom we didn’t know 6 days earlier, were sharing deep and emotional stories with us. Robert and I said that that moment right then was when we felt closest to God.
That night at our last worship on Friday night, we were invited to take a purple or a red stole. Basically, the purple was to signify a Christian lifestyle to share with others, yet maybe in a different way and the red stole was to signify wanting to take a significant leadership role in the church and beyond. Suzanne and Kelli already joked with me that I was not allowed to hand out the purple stolesJ I was one of the last people to go up there, but I graciously and tearfully accepted a red stole. That night, after an unfortunate Jell-O incident, I went back to the cabin to get ready for bed; I took the stole off and put it with my stuff. The next day we left camp, but I was directing Primary camp the following day, so I didn’t have much time to do anything other than laundry and re-pack. I went back to work on Thursday, 6 days after receiving the red stole. I couldn’t tell you where it, or where anything else was at that point. Half of my stuff was still in the car, the other half was scattered around my apartment. I had a horrible day at work. I had a lot of work to catch up on; I couldn’t wear shorts and a t-shirt, I missed the counselors and kids and basically didn’t want to be there. When it was time for lunch, I looked in my purse to get my wallet. What do you think I found? The red stole. I broke down in tears (good thing my boss had already gone to lunch) and knew right then what I needed to do. The next day during lunch I called Saint Paul’s School of Theology and talked to an admissions counselor about my concerns and to see if it would be possible to enroll this fall. That was the first time I smiled in 2 days of being back at work.
So I did it. I applied and just received notice today that I was accepted to Saint Paul’s School of Theology. I could not have done this without any of you and I wanted to send a huge THANK YOU. Thank you for the talks in the cabin when I was supposed to be at the pool, the nudge to send in the application, the hug when receiving the red stole, the thoughts while in prayer, the inspiration, time at the Labyrinth, the hugs, the pictures, the outrageous game of Apples to Apples, the quotes that will make me laugh for a long time, the messages, the conversations about pictures, wanting to keep in touch, and most of all the great stories and memories that I have from camp.
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