I'm Tired.

I'm tired. I hate living out of my car. I am sick of fast food. I don't like eating dinner at 9:45pm. I hate having to schedule a shower. I miss naps. I haven't relaxed in.....a long while. I am rarely doing only one thing at a time.

Why do I do this? Why am I so crazily busy? Because I have so much love and passion for my ultimate goal: youth ministry. There are so many moments when it is all worth it. When 8 high school kids beg me to plan a lock-in at church on Halloween. When kids that didn't talk to each other 1 year ago today, are texting each other at school and hanging out at each others' houses. Getting hugs from middle schoolers. A high school boy can't leave church without me giving him a high-5. Kids begging their parents to let them come to church. The loving words from the Senior Pastor that he is proud of me. Parents telling me their appreciation. Their laughter. My name being screamed across the room because kids from camp that I haven't seen for 3 months are excited to see me. Kids memorizing lines for worship. Their awesome praise songs. Hugs. Excitement. Passion. Friendship. Service. Love. That is why I do what I do.

Time, is on my side

I knew when I took all of this on that I would be busy. I knew that my time would have to be well spent and that I would have to make sacrifices. Sacrifices being lounging around watching movies, after-work naps (accidental and intentional) and apparently eating meals in a relaxed manor. What I didn't realize was the toll it would take on me. I like to be busy and know what I am going to do when, but yikes! After a month and a half of classes, youth groups, work, organizing youth groups, planning events, reading, writing papers, homework, etc. I am exhausted. I love almost every minute of it, but I need a nap!

I realized this on Saturday afternoon. I was at my sister's house babysitting my niece and decorating some cakes for a birthday party. I had a million things to do on that Saturday including going to a wedding in St. Louis(that I ended up not going to because of everything), a paper to write, 3 books to catch up on, Sunday School to plan, Y-Life back-up plan, running, grocery shopping, but instead I helped my sister. I know she appreciated it immensely, but after I watched the kids, cleaned the kitchen, made icing, decorated part of one cake, went to buy lunch for the kids and brother-in-law and groceries for more icing, finished the cakes, got the kids ready for the birthday party and sent everyone on their way, it was 4:30pm. I thought of the million things that I still had to do for myself and I lost it. I haven't cried uncontrollably like that in a long time. Nobody did anything or said anything to upset me, nothing monumental happened, I was just tired and overwhelmed. I prayed for the strength to finish the tasks at hand. I prayed for the strength to get through the busy weekend. I just prayed.

Sometimes we just need to let go of the things we can't control and send our burdens up to God. It reminded me of something I did at camp that summer. We wrote down all of our burdens and worries on a notecard and put it in the campfire up to God. Let me tell you--my card was full to the brim, on both sides--and I felt a sense of relief afterwards. That simple little act of looking at all of the stresses in life and then realizing that we can only do our best. That is what matters. I watched a video in my Intro to Ministry class last night and it completely spoke to me in the most necessary and appropriate way possible. The speaker said that we should try and turn our struggles into opportunities. Opportunities to grow and to learn from. Opportunities to share with others. Opportunities to keep with us forever.