Small Lights Big Impact

This past summer, I counseled at the first "Created to Be Me" Sexuality and Spirituality 8ers camp for the KC Metro area. It was awesome. I wasn't sure how it would go down, and how I would be talking about body parts everyday, but it was an amazing week. There were ups and downs, but it was a memorable experience and again reminded me with neon signs why I am in ministry. It makes my heart smile:)

This week I *actually* got the mail, and there was a letter from Richard and Linda Goddard, the directors and founders of Cler Ministries. Inside were all of the letters that the campers had written. All were anonymous unless they wrote something in their letter specifying which one they were. I was laughing through sentimental tears while reading. I was shocked at what some of the kids had to say. Two revealed that they had already lost their virginity and now they regretted it.

It is amazing to me what impact a few pieces of paper have on me. The words of some teenagers and how they felt about this one week in an adventurous summer made my heart melt. I love it. I love how reading that letter made me feel. I love remembering all of the funny memories and amazing friends. I can't believe that I would ever question my abilities, purpose and love for this world. My hope is that everyone receives these small lights that brighten your day. They come when you least expect it and most need it.

Feeling the Spirit

Inspired by a fellow seminarian(is that a word?) and friend from camp, I have a favorite story of 'feeling the spirit' if you will. I was a sophomore in college and had recently lost my 'grandma.' It is in quotes because she was not biologically linked to me at all, but she was my mom's best friend our families always spent a lot of time together. Shirley and Phil would come over at least once a week while they were out running errands, we had meals together at least weekly, always sat together at church, spent holidays together, and had many traditions together. It was the worst death I had experienced at that time. It still upsets me that she will not physically be there for my wedding, picking out my dress with me, planning, birth of my children, etc.

She passed away in the end of September. I had come home for Thanksgiving, and seen my 'grandpa' and how lonely he was. It was exceptionally harder to leave my family after the long weekend. I loved my life at school (not necessarily the classes...) and once I was there, I was never homesick, but leaving after this difficult death right before Christmas was a little more difficult. I remember thinking, praying and saying that I just want some kind of sign that she was still with me. I wanted to know that she was okay(duh-she's in heaven, she's fine-but I just needed a little reassurance). I was driving back to Kirksville and was reaching a point where I was no longer able to get Kansas City radio stations and transitioning to Northeast MO stations. It was dark, raining I think, and the road was curvy and under construction. Not good conditions when I am now crying because I missed Shirley.

I stopped crying and listened to the radio and there was a song playing--a guy--that I had never heard before. The words were something along the lines of "I'll always be there, no matter what I'll always be there". No joke. I cried even more, but had a sense of peace and reassurance that I can't quite explain in words. As soon as I got to school (well, probably after a meeting that I was going to), I looked on any and every lyric website I could find. I looked up different people it sounded like, googled the lyrics, etc all night long. I couldn't find anything. I couldnt' find anything similar that a man sung on a 'pop/contemporary' station.

All I can say is that I do still talk to her, I feel her presence and am reassured that she is in a better place. I know that she will be there for the major occasions in my life, and I love that I had a spiritual moment that spoke to me. It was over 6 years ago, but I can still feel the peace that I felt that day and have shared it with others. It has also made me more aware for other moments in my life. Thank you Shirley, I love and miss you always.

Poor Me, Poor Me

Occasionally I get in a rut of thinking poor me, poor me. Yes, there have been things in my life, as short as it has been, that are fairly rare. Extreme sicknesses, deaths, unavoidable and huge expenses, and things that just plain suck. During college I was not only on my own for everything, but was privileged enough to bear some burdens for my parents. You have to picture my sarcastic self saying that "privileged" part. I try not to dwell on these things, but every once in a while I get upset when they effect my current life and goals negatively in so many ways. This particular week it is because my car has an almost permanent "check engine" light on (yes, I have gotten it fixed many times, but within hours of leaving the mechanic it is back on), and currently my oil light is now flashing and beeping at me. I am not a fan of thing beeping at me in the car.


Then I take a step back. Look at the big picture. I am and have always been, very good with money. I have a job--actually 2 jobs. I have a car. I have food in my refrigerator and a heater and a/c when necessary. I have a family that loves me. I have friends of all kinds that are there for me. I have a career path in which I am very excited, and even though it will take me a long time to get there, I believe it will be worth it in the end. Gratefulness. It's funny how it takes crying over a flashing oil light and check engine light in the car to realize how blessed I am. In today's unsteady economy and crazy layoffs, it is easy to dwell on the negative and get in a bad mood over the constant negative tone on the news. It is easy to forget about the things that are going well and to that make you happy. I am so incredibly grateful for my friends across the world. I am grateful for my family. I am extremely grateful for my job, especially since it is better than my last one:) I am grateful for the education that I am actually excited about. I am grateful for all that I have and for what will come:)

Back in the Saddle

I have several blogs that I follow, whether they know it or not, and I really wanted to do the same. Not that I am very interesting or have an exciting life, but to reflect on my time with the kids in my youth group, directing and counseling at church camp and seminary experiences. I dropped off posting because last fall was so extremely stressful and busy. I will do a little catch-up and then hopefully begin anew:)

Last fall, not long after my last post:

-Breakdown when I had problems writing my final papers for seminary
-The company I work for during the day announces a 'workforce reduction.'
-I decide to take the voluntary separation from my day job (that I hate, btw)
-I start applying for jobs right away and fairly consistently
-Christmas!
-New Years
-I go into a "Twilight Coma" and read all 4 books. It was awesome, but couldn't do anything BUT read them.
-No job in January:(
-I finally get some interviews in February!
-By the end of February I got the call of a job offe! Hooray! I was so excited!
-March 2 I started as a Global Services Transaction Processor at State Street! Wahoo!

That about covers things... Now I will try to keep up on the more fun stuff:)

I'm Tired.

I'm tired. I hate living out of my car. I am sick of fast food. I don't like eating dinner at 9:45pm. I hate having to schedule a shower. I miss naps. I haven't relaxed in.....a long while. I am rarely doing only one thing at a time.

Why do I do this? Why am I so crazily busy? Because I have so much love and passion for my ultimate goal: youth ministry. There are so many moments when it is all worth it. When 8 high school kids beg me to plan a lock-in at church on Halloween. When kids that didn't talk to each other 1 year ago today, are texting each other at school and hanging out at each others' houses. Getting hugs from middle schoolers. A high school boy can't leave church without me giving him a high-5. Kids begging their parents to let them come to church. The loving words from the Senior Pastor that he is proud of me. Parents telling me their appreciation. Their laughter. My name being screamed across the room because kids from camp that I haven't seen for 3 months are excited to see me. Kids memorizing lines for worship. Their awesome praise songs. Hugs. Excitement. Passion. Friendship. Service. Love. That is why I do what I do.

Time, is on my side

I knew when I took all of this on that I would be busy. I knew that my time would have to be well spent and that I would have to make sacrifices. Sacrifices being lounging around watching movies, after-work naps (accidental and intentional) and apparently eating meals in a relaxed manor. What I didn't realize was the toll it would take on me. I like to be busy and know what I am going to do when, but yikes! After a month and a half of classes, youth groups, work, organizing youth groups, planning events, reading, writing papers, homework, etc. I am exhausted. I love almost every minute of it, but I need a nap!

I realized this on Saturday afternoon. I was at my sister's house babysitting my niece and decorating some cakes for a birthday party. I had a million things to do on that Saturday including going to a wedding in St. Louis(that I ended up not going to because of everything), a paper to write, 3 books to catch up on, Sunday School to plan, Y-Life back-up plan, running, grocery shopping, but instead I helped my sister. I know she appreciated it immensely, but after I watched the kids, cleaned the kitchen, made icing, decorated part of one cake, went to buy lunch for the kids and brother-in-law and groceries for more icing, finished the cakes, got the kids ready for the birthday party and sent everyone on their way, it was 4:30pm. I thought of the million things that I still had to do for myself and I lost it. I haven't cried uncontrollably like that in a long time. Nobody did anything or said anything to upset me, nothing monumental happened, I was just tired and overwhelmed. I prayed for the strength to finish the tasks at hand. I prayed for the strength to get through the busy weekend. I just prayed.

Sometimes we just need to let go of the things we can't control and send our burdens up to God. It reminded me of something I did at camp that summer. We wrote down all of our burdens and worries on a notecard and put it in the campfire up to God. Let me tell you--my card was full to the brim, on both sides--and I felt a sense of relief afterwards. That simple little act of looking at all of the stresses in life and then realizing that we can only do our best. That is what matters. I watched a video in my Intro to Ministry class last night and it completely spoke to me in the most necessary and appropriate way possible. The speaker said that we should try and turn our struggles into opportunities. Opportunities to grow and to learn from. Opportunities to share with others. Opportunities to keep with us forever.

The Labyrinth

I counseled at Chi Rho 2 this past summer and at the end we were asked our 'high' or the week and our 'low' of the week. My low was actually kind of funny--we have air conditioning in the cabins (yeah!) and the campers are not allowed to touch it for obvious reasons. One night it rained so it was a little cooler, plus the air conditioning made it pretty cold in the cabins. Maybe I should say it was FREEZING! I only brought sheets and a light blanket knowing it was the beginning of August. I even pulled my towel on me for extra warmth! We told the campers the next morning that someone had been messing with the thermostat and that's why it was so cold....that afternoon we figured out that it wasn't the campers...it was one of the counselors turning it the wrong way. Oops.

The high of my week was during our small group time on the second to the last day. We were talking about prayer and how they get answered, if they get answered, etc. I shared a very personal story and that opened it up for others to share stories. It was the best small group time that we had with this group of 6-7th graders. I asked if they wanted to visit the Labyrinth at camp for some prayer time. I was shocked that they all wanted to go, so I explained how it worked and tried to emphasize that it was a time of prayer and reflection. Basically--be quiet. I did not have high expectations of the group because of their age and all the counselors did all week was get them quiet. As we approached the Labyrinth, I told them it was time to quiet down, gave quick instructions and then had the first camper start. It was silent. It was silent the whole time. Every. Single. One. I was so impressed! Even the kid that always had to be the center of attention/jokester. I even walked the labyrinth after all of the kids went and they were quiet for me too. When I was done and walked out, they all said how awesome it was and how much they liked it. That is why I am in seminary. That is why I love working with the kids. For those moments that make me smile.